~~~Abandoned Friend~~~
A few short months ago I made a decision. Not
easy, not
taken lightly, not without remorse, nor without
pain. But a
decision that had to be made. A decision to abandon
a friend,
one who had been part of my life for oh so many
years.
I was introduced to this friend somewhere around
my twelfth
year and it was an immediate and wonderful interaction.
We
shared laughs, were pranksters and made asses
of ourselves
together, and with this friend I thought I was
just too cool.
As time went by we celebrated victories in sports,
made
plans for the future and struggled through my
teens,
together, side by side. We had fun, took risks
and at times
took comfort each in the other.....I got courage
when I had
none, confidence when I needed it, and comfort
in my pain.
Time passed, again he was there, not always but
when
wanted and needed...to celebrate my marriage,
to help
mourn my losses, to share in the glory and joy
of being both
husband and new father. To be part of my growing
circle of
friends and associates. We still shared joy in
sports, branding
cattle, social events and were just together,
sharing both
great and bad times.
Life marched on,and now my long time friend
became a
greater part of my life, but now more demanding
of me,
cajoling me away from my family and work,
and I went
willingly, with the thoughts and promise of fun,
enjoyment
and comfort. I was led me to new friends, good
and bad, new
places, my values became challenged becoming
a daily part of
my life, and I went. I did so feel that
I needed him. More
and more, I felt the need to be with this friend.
He was so
much more fun, I thought, and so much more comfort
than
my life of work, commitment and family. And again,
the urge
to be with this close friend....his comfort,
his hopes and
dreams, and I followed , then led, it didn't
seem to matter as
long as I had him with me.
When challenged, I supported him and made excuses
for
him...even lied for him, so that I could keep
him as my friend.
When he hurt me, I promised then to see him less,
to never
see him, to not allow his influence and hold
on me.....and I
broke these promises, time and time again. My
loyalty was
immovable, my committment to this part to this
part of my
life so strong. I finally quit making these promises,
quit
making excuses, quit caring enough about the
ones I loved.
He was my friend, I thought, my best friend,
and I needed
him so, again for comfort....to ease the pain,
and grief, to
shield me from that which I did not wish to see.
But then one day, I really dont know how or why......I
just
knew.....I had to........I needed to........I
must not......... see my
friend again. I pondered and I thought
deeply and reflected
on our past together. Many times smiled,
many times I cried,
many times I felt ashamed......at times
I felt alone. But I did
know and I realized....not what he had given
me, but what he
had taken from me! Time.......never to be recaptured......love
...........that may never be rekindled...and
pride from me, so
difficult to rebuild.
But I did, I did abandon him....not without
feelings of pain or
loss. It is there and always will be. But not
without reward. I
have met new friends, great friends, sincere
and caring
friends, comforting friends, and have become
my master once
more, free from his promises, his comfort, his
pain, and his
demands.
He is still around, almost everywhere I
go. In restaurants, at
a friends home, in town, at dances......even
in my own home
at times and always beckoning for me to rekindle
what we
had, our life together, our needs and reliant
friendship.
But no.....I will not........not because of
him and what he has
done and taken from me......but because
of me. I must
desert him. I must banish him, because
it is for.......my
hopes.....my dreams......my loved ones........my
life.....and all
that is left for me to grow to be........for
me to truly live.
No, it isnt easy. It never will be. I do so fear
weakness......but abandon him I must, for
you see......... my
friends name...............was booze!
..........................E.D....................
